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Topic: Time for a smile... (Read 9760 times) previous topic - next topic

Time for a smile...

I was just going through my wallet looking for something and came across a small slip of paper I'd put there years ago. It had the following text:

Bob: "When did you get that trombone?"
Keith: "I borrowed it from my neighbours son just recently."
Bob: "I didn't know you could play the trombone."
Keith: "I can't. And now, neither can he."

Just thought you all could use a smile :D
I plays 'Bones, crumpets, coronets, floosgals, youfonymums 'n tubies.

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #1 –
Chortle!!!

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #2 –
Love it !
Rich.

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #3 –
Reminds me of the tale of the man who gave his neighbor's kid a pocket knife for Christmas, and then asked him if he'd ever wondered what was inside his new drum....

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #4 –
:D

Nice one Bill!
I plays 'Bones, crumpets, coronets, floosgals, youfonymums 'n tubies.

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #5 –
Sounds like new material for Instrument Jokes in the Scripto's Gems area.  Fun stuff!

Joe

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #6 –
Quote from: Joseph Roberts –
Sounds like new material for Instrument Jokes in the Scripto's Gems area.  Fun stuff!

Hmmm, It's been ages since anything has been added to that - no reason why it shouldn't be newsgroup and forum.
Considering ......

Thanks Joe.
Rich.

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #7 –
(My message is now redundant, so I removed it.)

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #8 –
Lawrie,

I gotta be honest with you; you always make me smile.  :-).  Thanks for another music joke for my humor bag.  Nothing breaks the ice among musicians like the old favorites plus a few new ones.

Sincerely,
Francis Beaumier
Green Bay, WI

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #9 –
Thanks Francis, always a pleasure mate.
I plays 'Bones, crumpets, coronets, floosgals, youfonymums 'n tubies.

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #10 –
Sent to me from England today:

Pending Trombone Legislation
WASHINGTON, D.C. - 

   
Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed or annoyed by Trombones. 

  
The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by Reed Players, French Horn and String Sections seated within reach of the Deadly Seventh Position are truly shocking…not to mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing problems reported by Classical Musicians of all types who are forced to play the music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of Alumni of the Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands, and devotees of Kid Ory, Jack Teagarden, Abe Lincoln, Carl Fontana, Frank Rosolino and Charlie Vernon. 

   
There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of Trombones and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential Trombone Lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all Bass Trombones! Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children, attracted by the Shiny Brass and Smooth, Seductive Curves of an unattended Trombone on a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves. The owner's feeble "I didn't know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse! 

   
Trombones should be stored Out of Reach of Children. 

   
Efforts to enact a Mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a Trombone - which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for Law Enforcement Officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an International list of Registered Trombone Offenders and Slide-O-Mix addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY) Lobby. 

   
Law Enforcement Officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the "sawed-off" Trombone or "Sackbut." Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New York and California, to make carrying a concealed Alto Trombone a Class A Felony. 

   
Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nation-wide ban of Screw-on Bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly and unsupervised emptying of water-keys ("spit valves") on public property - a filthy, unsanitary habit which will help spread the Flu this year. 

   
One popular response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those using a Trombone while committing a crime ("Use a trombone - Go to jail"). 

   
Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in  identifying violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eye-witnesses reported as a Trombone was really only an AK-47 or other Legal Assault Weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the new "Three Sharps, You're Out" Statutes that have already been approved by many state  legislatures. 

Of course the Automatic and Semi-Automatic Valve Models - both Piston and the Middle-European Rotary - are much more dangerous than the traditional Single Valve Trombone.  Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of Rear-Blasting Cavalry Models  that were thought to have been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of Versailles, signed by representatives of every civilized country of the period. You may recall  that those instruments were melted down and became an integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite America and Europe. 

   
It is believed that the new source of these WMDs are isolated factories in rural areas of China. 

   
The awesome destructive power of the Double Trigger Bass Trombone could never have been imagined by the Founding Fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms. 

   
Remember: When Trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm Getting Sentimental Over You."

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #11 –
Chuckling here -- that article is a hoot.  It belongs near the pinnacle of Instrument Jokes.

Probably heard already many times, but appropriate here ...

Sir Thomas Beecham's remark:

... "Never look at the trombones.  It only encourages them."


Still chuckling away,

Joe

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #12 –
...  eeeeyup
I plays 'Bones, crumpets, coronets, floosgals, youfonymums 'n tubies.

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #13 –
OK. My favorite Thomas Beecham story. He was conducting an opera somewhere out in the provinces, in a town where a friend of his happened to live. The friend dropped by the conductor's dressing room during intermission, and said to Sir Thomas, "Beautiful performance - just beautiful. You've made the orchestra play better than I ever thought possible. They're playing well above their ability. There's only one trouble - I can't hear the singers." And Sir Thomas replied, "I know. I do it as a public service."

Cheers, and a good British Cheerio -

Bill
 

Re: Time for a smile...

Reply #14 –
Sent to me today from Scotland

12 Rules for playing in a band

1. Everyone should play the same piece.
2. Observe the repeat signs only if what you just played was interesting.
3. If you play a wrong note, glare at one of the other players.
4. The right note, at the wrong time, is a wrong note. (And vice-versa.)
5. A wrong note, played timidly, is a wrong note.
6. A wrong note, played with authority, is simply your interpretation of the phrase.
7. If everyone gets lost except you, follow the ones who are lost.
8. Strive always to play the maximum notes per second. This will intimidate the weaker players and gain you the admiration of the ignorant.
9. Markings for slurs, dynamics, and accidentals should be completely ignored. They are only there to make the score look more complicated.
10. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it is easy, speed up. Everything will even itself out in the end.
11. You have achieved a true interpretation when, in the end, you have not played one note of the original piece.
12. When everyone else stops playing, you should stop also. Do not play any notes you may have left over.